Poker Jokes
Poker Jokes
Give yourself a laugh today with these (rather cheap) poker jokes…
The Leprechaun
A guy was playing 10-20 holdem and was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechaun. “Quit playing poker forever right now and I’ll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars.”, said the little fellow. The player replied, “Let me get even first.”
Indecent Proposal
Two couples got together to play some cards. Before the game started one of the players, named John, got up to go to the bathroom. On his way to the bathroom he passed by the bedroom and accidentally saw Bill’s wife changing. His faced turned beat red, he quickly said excuse me and continued on to the bathroom.
Later, after the game was over, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed him and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked?”John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.” After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom together. When they were finished John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”
Reluctantly, she replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.” Next Bill asked, “Did John give you $100?” She thinks, “Oh hell, he knows!” Finally she says, “Well, yes… he did give me $100.”
“Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.”
Blonde Poker
A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. “I hope you don’t mind,” she said, “but I play better when I’m naked.” She then proceeded to undress. On the very first hand, after some heavy betting, she was head’s-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming, “I won! I won! I won!”
The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot.
“What’d she have?” the loser asked the dealer.
“I don’t know,” the dealer said. “I thought YOU were watching.”
The “Voice” of Poker
There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head.
The voice says,
“Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again.
“Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.
“Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”
He can’t take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says,
“Go to the Horseshoe.”
He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says,
“Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry.”
He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt Ace of Spades, Ace of Clubs.
The voice says,
“Go all in.”
He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call.
The dealer lays down the flop which is 8 of Hearts, 9 of Hearts, 10 of Hearts.
The voice says,
“FUCK!.”
Anna Kournikova
AK = Anna Kournikova. Always looks great. Never wins.
Rotten Scoundrel
Q: What did the giraffe say to the leopard at the poker table?
A: I thought you were a cheetah.
Drop Dead
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”
They draw straws.
Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”
Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.”
Rent Money
“That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,” the housewife told a neighbor.
“You didn’t do it, did you?”
“I have to admit I did — though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!”
Doctor Doctor!
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”
For Heaven’s Sake
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: “Father Murphy, were you gambling?” Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the police officer, he then says, “No, officer, I was not gambling.” The officer then asks the minister: “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, “No, officer, I was not gambling.” Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: “With whom?”
Tarot Poker
I was playing poker with tarot cards the other night. I got a full house and four people died.
Pizza Delivery
Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Pizza Poker
Q: What’s the difference between a professional poker player and a large pepperoni pizza?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
Dog Years
Q. What is the difference between a poker player and a dog?
A. In about ten years the dog quits whining.
Tail Tale
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. “This is a very smart dog.”, the man commented. “Not so smart,” said one of the players. “every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
Two Rules
There are TWO secrets to success at Poker.
Rule #1: Never tell your secrets.
Friday Night Poker
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. “Roger, listen,” he told the host, “Walter’s in the kitchen making love to your wife.” “OK, that’s it, guys,” Roger said. “This is positively the last deal.”
A Lot of Luck
Some people just seem to have a lot of luck. A friend of mine is one of those card players who can almost always draw whatever he needs to win a hand in poker, but loses big time at the races. I asked him about this once and he replied, “Well … they won’t let me shuffle the horses.”
